“ Last night, I got the most chilling phone call I have ever received. It was Jake Burris, Ken Aden’s campaign manager. Last night, Jake and his four kids had come back to their Russellville home. As they were getting out of the car, one of his children discovered their family cat dead on the front porch. One side of the animal’s head had been bashed in and an eyeball was hanging out of its socket. But there was something even more horrifying to be found on the corpse. Written across the animal’s fur in black marker was the word “LIBERAL.

“ Yes, Obama duped the young people of this country by not doing every single thing they want, so now they’ll all vote Republican. It’s like when I want some bread I will not settle for half a loaf, I will instead have a muffin made of broken glass.